I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
