He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
