her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
