life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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