Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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