I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
