Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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