There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
