I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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