Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
