at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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