Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize