k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
