I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
