I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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