no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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