im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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