The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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