There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
