So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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