i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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