God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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