Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
