i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
