Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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