Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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