Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
