I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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