I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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