I wish I could punch you in the face.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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