She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
