So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
