So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize