Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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