Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
