I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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