The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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