My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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