she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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