Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
