I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
