Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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