i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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