At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I touched a dick in church today
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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