there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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