I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
the liver wants what the liver wants
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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