I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
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He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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