it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
