i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
