My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
