we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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