The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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