i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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