Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He? As in you personified your dick?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
