I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
