If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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